Our Adoptees

Meet Ambrose, who has been with us for nearly four months now. He has settled in nicely and takes pride in keeping his nook nice and tidy. Interestingly, Ambrose enjoys being the centre of attention and always has a joke or two up his sleeve. He often has our staff in stitches due to his long-winded stories of things that have happened to him in life. If you have the pleasure of meeting Ambrose, be sure to ask him to tell the story of when he had a full nine pints poured over his head at his niece’s confirmation (and he had to pay for them)! It’ll have you rolling around the floor with the risk of wetting yourself, but that’s Ambrose for you!

Ambrose will be happy with an Uncle who is good for a laugh and that can give as good as they get. We all know that underneath his jokey exterior lies a deep sadness, which he doesn’t talk about or even acknowledges. That's where you come in - we think that the right Uncle with the right approach can tease this out of him, exorcise his demons before they devour him and tear his soul apart!

His interests are breeding dogs, high performance cars (not Jaguars though!) and beer, as you can tell from his candid photograph. He loves a good pint!

This is Gary. What can we say about Gary but that he’s a sweet sweet soul and maybe too good for this bitter Earth that we eke out our pointless existence upon. He hasn’t an ounce of hate in him, which is very unusual in this day and age. He’s never thrown a kick or a punch in anger and has never badmouthed any of his colleagues or managers in the data centre within which he works (and we’ve checked for any slights, very thoroughly!). He’s the type of man that you want to inhale, merge with to establish that sought after Platonic ideal and just live in that bind and melt into that vast unconscious eternity with.

And who would we want to pair him with? That would have to be a special person that is patient, understanding and willing to gently tease the good out of him and replace with a more hard-edged cynicism and/or a slowly pulsating hatred of his fellow men. We don’t think he’ll survive very much longer – he’s too good, too soft for this world. If you can help Gary, please reach out to us. He needs you. He needs to survive by losing that goodness, that gleaming smile. He needs to hate.

Meet Liam, our 47 year old resident with his encyclopaedic knowledge of the 90’s alternative and grunge scene. He lived, laughed and loved his best life back in that decade which was full of hope, haircuts and regrettable ethnic tattoos. Liam’s been chasing how he felt in the 90’s for a long time, since the end of the 90’s to be precise but he just can’t grasp it. He’s looking for that certain someone who managed to find (and keep!) themselves in that glorious decade, who went touring in their under (or above!) the radar alt-rock band, aping the glorious angst and drop-D’s of the best musicians of their generation, of any generation, of all generations.

He's particularly hoping for an Uncle that adorned the hallowed pages of the NME, Melody Maker, Vox, Select and The Bomb Circle. However, he tends to frown on bands that would have received less than 6 out of 10 in NME for any single, album or extended play (EP) - he is so fussy!

This is the most up to date photo that we have of Liam as he avows that no photo after this would capture him in the same light or elation so why bother (he’s so funny!). Let’s say that he is no longer quite as svelte and his hairline has sadly surrendered to male-pattern baldness, which does tend to suit him in the light of a full moon.

If you’re a 90’s musician who graced the pages of the aforementioned bibles of indie|rock music and are looking for a new challenge…..get in touch! Just make sure you didn’t get a bad review (because he will check!).

Meet Brandon, who has been a favourite of ours since 2019. Brandon is a quiet soul, quite reserved and quite set in his ways with liking things to be just so! Although he rarely talks about his past, we have reconstructed his life story and it’s fascinating – born in Durham Cathedral by accident, a petty thief in his youth with a particular love of stealing DIY products from local family-owned businesses and finally coming to painting where his art fetches up to €3000 at auction, with many collectors climbing over each other to buy his paintings. His primary focus in his work is towards a collaborative and multi-sensory approach, engendering praxis whilst sensitively honing a prosaic blend of independent cinema and the experience of everyday life.  And what a career he has had! Well done Brandon!

Brandon will be suited towards a younger Uncle who can help him navigate towards a more fulfilling life and  be gently steered away from his art and to become focussed on the more crucial things in life. Rarely taking a drink, he would benefit from being gradually introduced to the power of alcohol to allow this emotionally supressed man out of his cage!  Go get em Tiger!

Let us introduce Eden, one of our high-flying adoptees. Naturally computer-literate and numerically capable, Eden comes with a satchel full of qualifications covering a huge range of very tricky to understand business-minded subjects. Eden is always the first in line to teach others (and us!!) on how to synergise backward overflows and of the chief importance of leveraging value with intangibles. His lecture to the staff on container orchestration and the profession-state dynamic was a barnstormer and a few of us (naming no names!) asked him to sign our handout sheets with his deep blue fountain pen.

Eden would suit an Uncle who has been around the business-world block and could find a way to harness Eden’s hidden weaknesses and turn them into strengths. He would be suited to a busy environment with lots of problems to solve and he will naturally seek out all of those daily tasks that could potentially benefit from automation or collaborative practice-oriented processes. He is a whizz and is very open about it, happy to share his knowledge with everyone he meets. If you’re a businessman or a high-flying accountant, taking Eden into the office with you on your days out might be good for both of you. He’s very easy on the eye and has a silky voice that can make even the most complicated subjects make you want to hear more about!

Meet Danny Mitt, who had been brought to our attention by several of his neighbours. Not too much is known about Danny Mitt at present, and the name we have given him serves as a placeholder until we can verify his real name. Although his neighbours have said that he’s perfectly pleasant, always there with a greeting and asking how their kids are or talking about the weather (everyone’s favourite subject!!) they say that there’s just something about him that suggests to them that he’s in need of support. Out of respect to his wife and children, the community haven’t broached their concerns with him or his family in person, thinking it best to reach out to us to leverage our expertise. And they are so right! He is also very organised and fastidious in his behaviours – he even shreds his letters before he throws them in his green bin! Hopefully our lab boffins will be successful in reconstructing these letters so we can share more about this very private man! His emails and his few social media accounts have very strong passwords, causing our IT team a headache in the process!

He would be perfectly suited to an Uncle who can amplify their voice or shout very very loudly as it has proven difficult to get close to talk to him – and we have tried several times! He is very reluctant to engage with ourselves in Uncle which, alas, isn't uncommon in some of our cases so good communication skills and a dominating persistence will set the right Uncle in good stead. Also, if an Uncle has experience of remote administration tools, ethical|unethical hacking,  classless inter-domain routing notation  or has a history of being a whitehat|greyhat then this adoptee may be for you!

Meet Drax, our gentlest guest in our World Famous Dublin Visitor Centre. He was referred to us in a sorry state and had that bit of extra care and sympathy from Day One. Drax is down on his luck, stuck in a job which pays the bills but doesn’t spark any desire for promotion or advancement in the company. His managers were rightly concerned that he’s languishing and treading water and maybe just not the role model that is needed for his two sons (aged 2 and 4). After the initial shock of finding him in this drifting state, we decided to put that bit of extra effort into him, for his boys and for their future also.

We’re trying to find a suitable Uncle for Drax that can show him the ways and means of finding that fire in the belly, helping him to dig deep to find his passion and put his narrow shoulder to the wheel. He might need that wonderfully fine balance between the tough love and gentle anger for him to find himself and deliver a new and improved Drax to his wonderful little boys! Please reach out to us if you feel that you’re up to this challenge.  

Here’s Big Mike, affectionately known as Mike to his colleagues in the engineering offices. Mike is an open book, happy to share his feelings, thoughts and views on anything and everything! He shows great attention to detail in all aspects of his work and his presentation, inside and outside of the office. His great passions in life are dogs, particularly big bulky dogs that have a bad rep on the streets and look like they’d proper fuck someone up given the chance. Big Mike has a knack that can turn their frown upside down, turn bad attitudes into supple and welcoming personalities, puppyish putty in his big leathery hands. His motto in life is ‘don’t just try your best - do better and then better again,’ a motto that we could all be inspired by!

We think that an Uncle that could bring Big Mike down a peg or two and then build him back up again would suit him perfectly. He’s a lovely guy, fun-loving and generous with his time and money and most people are fine with that. However, our psychologists have said that his hubris will be the death of him and nobody wants that (least of all Big Mike and his dependents!)!

Say a big hello to Giuseppi, one of our newer part-time residents in our World Famous Dublin Visitor Centre. Dr Guiseppi is a wholesome and friendly man, loves his cars and his cats (and even his white spray paints!) yet seems to be finding it tough to be a part of our mission. Although we have explained the many reasons to him (and even designed and printed a pamphlet called ‘Why You’re Here, Dr Guiseppi’ for him) he is struggling to accept that help is needed. Given time, we know that he’ll be back on his feet and delighted that we’ve given him the opportunity to grow and be thankful for what he didn’t even realise he was missing in life! We open the doors for you Guiseppi, you just have to find the courage to walk through them!

When it comes to what type of Uncle, we feel that it needs to be someone who has adopted or fostered before as Dr Giuseppi will need a lot of firm convincing. Are you that someone with a firm hand and a soft hug, do you have harsh words with a soft centre? Come on – call us! Let’s save Dr Giuseppi!

Meet David, Simon and Cheech, the Devonshire triplet brothers hailing from Ballymacormick, Longford. It has come as a surprise to all our Uncle staff in our World Famous Dublin Visitor Centre that there are quite literally zero points of interest for this trio of bores! We initially thought that their music tastes would have been a hook to hang our hats of interest on, but no, they really are as boring as all shit! Even when they speak we just can’t seem to take it in!

It is of course against the Uncle World policy to divulge the person or persons that referred a person or persons to our services. However, in this case we can discreetly inform our prospective Uncles that it was in fact their mother, Nigella Devonshire (née Derbyshire), that reached out to us. In her words, “they’re so f**king dull, I just can’t be around them any more! Enough!” We initially thought of what a cruel mother she must be, but no, she’s right. We just need someone brave and insomniac to take these boring men off our hands. Just take them. Who’s who? Which one’s David? Which one is Cheech? We don’t know! We don’t care!

Bonus exemptions apply for any interested parties.